Shame

Shame

THE ROOT OF DYSFUNCTION
IN FAMILIES

Shame & Dysfunctional Families

Shame

Team Menber

It's the root of dysfunctions in families.

All extravagant behaviours are reactions to it.

Shame tends to direct individuals into destructive behaviours. When we focus on what we did wrong, we can correct it; but when we're convinced that we are wrong as a result of shame, our whole sense of self is eroded.

It has been common in shame-based conditions to say that men 'act out' and women 'act in'.

Typically, females have dealt with shame through introversion and self-hate while males have been more likely to exhibit extreme anger and violence.

The major causes of shame in women are feelings of unattractiveness or perceived failures in personal relationships and the leading cause of shame in men is feelings of sexual inadequacy.

There's no record of a violent action other than as a reaction to shame or humiliation.

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Shame & Dysfunctional Families

Self-esteem

Early in life, individuals develop an internalized view of themselves as adequate or inadequate within the world. Children who are continually criticized, severely punished, neglected, abandoned, or in other ways abused or mistreated get the message that they do not 'fit' in the world -- that they are inadequate, inferior or unworthy.

Such feelings of inferiority are the genesis of low self-esteem.

Individuals with low self-esteem become overly sensitive and fearful in many situations..

They are afraid they won't know the rules or that they've blundered, misspoken or acted in ways others might consider inappropriate. Or they might perceive that others reject or are critical of them.

Once low self-esteem is formed, the person becomes hypersensitive -- they experience "self-esteem attacks" that take the form of embarrassment or shame.

Unlike guilt -- which is the feeling of doing something wrong, shame is the feeling of being something wrong. When a person experiences shame, they feel 'there is something basically wrong with me.

This is a common emotional response in adult children of alcoholic parents, as well as those who grew up with depressed parents, abuse, religious fanaticism, war, cultural oppression, or adult or sibling death. All of these experiences cause an individual to feel vulnerable, helpless and shamed.

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Shame & Dysfunctional Families

The Family

Team Menber

If you were never allowed to express anger in your family, your anger becomes an alienated part of yourself. You experience toxic shame when you feel angry. This part of you must be disowned or severed.

Without this energy you become a doormat and a people-pleaser.

When shame has been completely internalized, nothing about you is okay. You feel flawed and inferior; you have a sense of being a failure. There is no way you can share your inner self because you are an object of contempt to yourself.

This paralyzing internal monitoring causes withdrawal, passivity and inaction.

To be severed and alienated within oneself also creates a sense of unreality. One may have an all-pervasive sense of never quite belonging, of being on the outside looking in. The condition of inner alienation and isolation is also pervaded by a low grade chronic depression. This has to do with the sadness of losing one's authentic self. Perhaps the deepest and most devastating aspect of neurotic shame is the rejection of the self by the self.

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Shame & Dysfunctional Families

Co-dependency

Internalized shame is the essence of co-dependency.

Because the exposure of self to self lies at the heart of neurotic shame, escape from the self is necessary.

The escape from self is accomplished by creating a false self. The false self [narcissist] is always more or less than human.

The false self may be a perfectionist or a slob, a family hero or a family scapegoat. As the false self is formed, the authentic self goes into hiding. Years later the layers of defence and pretence are so intense that one loses all awareness of who one really is.

The escape from self is accomplished by creating a false self. The false self [narcissist] is always more or less than human.

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Shame & Dysfunctional Family

Broken Mutuality

nina

The victim has no time or support to grieve the pain of the broken mutuality, his emotions are repressed and the grief is unresolved. [Also known as trapped feelings.]

Children record their parent's actions at their worst. When caregivers are most out of control, they are the most threatening to the child's survival. The child's survival alarm registers these behaviours the most deeply. Any subsequent shame experience which even vaguely resembles that past trauma can easily trigger the words and scenes of said trauma.

Shame is internalized when one is abandoned. Abandonment is the precise term to describe how one loses one's authentic self and ceases to exist psychologically. Children cannot know who they are without reflective mirrors. Mirroring is done by one's primary caretakers and is crucial in the first years of life. Abandonment includes the loss of mirroring.

Parents who are shut down emotionally (all shame based parents) cannot mirror and affirm their child's emotions.

Without someone to reflect our emotions, we had no way of knowing who we were. Mirroring remains important all our lives. Our identity demands a significant other whose eyes see us pretty much as we see ourselves.

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