Narcissism

Defined

Is defined as an inflated sense of self importance; fantasies of unlimited success, fame, power, beauty, and perfect love; exhibitionism a need to be looked at and admired); a tendency to feel rage with little objective cause; a readiness to treat people with cool indifference as punishment for hurtful treatment or as an indication of the fact they have no current use for the person; a tendency toward severe feelings of inferiority, shame, and emptiness; a sense of entitlement accompanied by the tendency to exploit; a tendency to over idealize or devalue people based largely on a narrow focus; an inability to empathize.

Narcissism is a psychological state based on very low self-esteem.

Narcissists try to control other people's opinions of them for defensive purposes

They tend to blame others for their own problems. They tend not to seek therapy because they fear being found inadequate and thus are very defensive in relation to therapists. They do not feel free or safe enough to examine their own behaviour, and typically avoid therapy.

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Narcissism

Co-narcissism

Co-narcissistic people are insecure because they were never valued for themselves, and have been valued by their parents only to the extent that they meet their parents’ needs.

They unconsciously assume that everyone is narcissistic.

They will however accept blame for problems, and are much more likely than narcissists to seek help because they often consider themselves to be the ones with the problem.

They tend to have low self-esteem and work very hard to please others,

They defer to others’ opinions, focus on others’ world views and are unaware of their own orientations.

They find it hard to know how they think and feel about any topic

They doubt their own views and opinions (especially when they conflict with others), and they take the blame for interpersonal problems.

It is beneficial in transcending narcissistic anxieties to realize that the other people's behaviour is due to their own views and experience, is not a reflection on oneself, and one’s self- esteem does not have to be affected by their behaviour.

For co-narcissistic people, who experience strong feelings of guilt and blame, realising that they are not responsible for other people's experience is a great relief.

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Narcissism

Co-dependency

Codependency is shared through family learning, and family members come to believe that distorted patterns of relating are normal. As the family is the primary forum of socialization, children growing up in these families are ill equipped to deal with the demands of the larger world outside the family home. They are often burdened with inadequate coping skills, distorted perceptions of what is appropriate behaviour, and unrealistic expectations of other people.

The codependent, "false self" feels uncomfortable, strained and inauthentic in relating to other people. It tries to cover up, deny and withhold genuine feelings, and inhibits spontaneous, "natural" or playful behaviour. It may develop a negative attitude toward self or others that is envious, critical, blaming, shaming and perfectionistic. It tends to be other-oriented, focused on what it believes others think it should be or others want it to be.

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Narcissism

Healthy vs Unhealthy

A person who sports a healthy narcissism is one who possesses a cohesive self-concept and positive self-regard, and is impervious to disintegration

A healthy self has nothing to do with stardom. Psychological health comes from acceptance starting in early infancy of all that you are, good and bad, dirty and clean, naughty and nice, smart and stupid. In the adult, health is manifested by an accord between ideals and actions, by the ability to appreciate yourself for what you attempt to do as well as for what succeeds. It means recognizing that although you are not perfect you are still worthy of love.

Individuals who have an unhealthy narcissism (the pathological and problematic form of narcissism) describes a person who is self-absorbed, has a highly inflated sense of self, has unrealistic ambitions and ideals, and is disconnected from others, which is magnified by their disconnection from their own self

Many so-called “successful” children of narcissists have weak egos and do little outside of given margins because success is too important to venture into the unknown.

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Narcissism

Narcissistic Mother

A narcissistic mother (NM) is a mother who has a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Mothers with emotional disturbances, such as narcissism, Borderline Disorder, OCD, anxiety, depression or autism, may be only peripherally aware of the child's very existence and incapable of paying attention to his/her needs.

It is highly likely that a narcissistic mother was severely abused or came from a highly dysfunctional family.

The onset of pathological narcissism is in infancy, childhood and early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma inflicted parents, authority figures or even peers. Pathological narcissism is a defence mechanism intended to deflect hurt and trauma from the victim’s True Self into a False Self which is omnipotent, invulnerable and omniscient.

The narcissist uses the False Self to regulate his or her labile [a mood state in which a person experiences wild, uncontrolled mood swings] sense of self-worth by extracting from his environment narcissistic supply (any form of attention, both, positive and negative).

Mothers with narcissistic personality disorder see their children as forever obligated to them by rite of birth. They feel entitled to demand from their children unlimited support and service.

It is the children's job to hold the spotlight on the narcissistic mother and keep her centre stage.

Unfortunately, she does not trust her children or believe in their essential goodness.

She frightens and upsets her children, and discourages their independence.

Of course, to the outside world everything is perfect, but behind closed doors, the child is exposed to the horror of a mother with a personality disorder.

This disordered kind of parenting creates significant emotional damage to the child.

The child of the Narcissist mother must analyze their sense of self and rebuild it without relying on their parent or parent substitute for approval.

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Narcissism

Engulfing Mother

An Engulfing Mother is one whose Narcissistic Personality Disorder manifests itself in allowing no boundary to exist between herself and her daughter. She somehow views her daughter as being an extension of herself, rather than seeing her as a separate person.

This can work fine when the daughter is a baby or young toddler – an infant sees no boundary between herself and her mother either, and this leads to the mutual love affair we see between mothers and their babies, and that’s right and normal, and very important for bonding.

Individuals who have an unhealthy narcissism (the pathological and problematic form of narcissism) describes a person who is self-absorbed, has a highly inflated sense of self, has unrealistic ambitions and ideals, and is disconnected from others, which is magnified by their disconnection from their own self

The problem is that the natural process of the child individuating herself – becoming aware of herself as an individual, and pulling away from the engulfing mother in order to become her own person – is then thwarted and even pro-actively blocked. This is done so emphatically and subtly that the daughter doesn’t even realise it, and perhaps may not question it.

And so, at a time when appropriate boundaries – physical, emotional and psychological – should be in place, they’re not.

Psychologically an engulfing mother is a much, much worse abuse than the Ignoring Narcissistic Mother.

The Engulfing Mother says, in effect: “There is no you. You do not exist. You are not a real person.

It’s harder to recover from too, if escape does happen. At least Ignored Daughters ‘only’ had to learn that their unacceptable and unlovable selves were in fact acceptable and loveable. Engulfed Daughters have to find their own Selves first. What others did naturally and organically from a very early age, they have to do consciously and proactively.

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Genesis of a Narcissist

As a child, the narcissist-to-be found his essential self-rejected by his narcissistic parent. The wounds of the parent are a template for the wounding of the child. Each narcissistic parent in each generation repeats the crime that was perpetrated against him. The crime is non-acceptance.

How can the narcissistic mother accept offspring who are the product of her own unconsciously despised self?

The child has rejection as its birth-right.

The child who will eventually turn into a full-scale narcissist most often had a narcissistic mother.

The reason why the maternal narcissist is more often likely to turn her child into a fellow narcissist is because the mother most often provides the predominant care that defines the baby’s early world.

The narcissist-to-be turns away from a world he perceives as devoid of nurture and love (since a mother’s care gives the child its first version of the world).

He withdraws into grandiose fantasies to shield himself from profound feelings of unworthiness caused by the fact that his mother does not really love him.

The narcissistic mother, caretaker of the child’s earliest years, is grandiose, chronically cold but overprotective. She invades her child’s autonomy and manipulates him to conform to her wishes.

She rejects all about him that she finds objectionable, putting him in the anxiety-ridden position of losing her affection if he expresses dissatisfaction.

She responds to his baby rages and fussing with anxiety, anger, or withdrawal. He becomes unable to cope with the ugly feelings that threaten to erupt and destroy the bond between him and his mother, the bond he depends on for survival.

His mother’s grandiosity models a way out of his dilemma. She places him on a common throne, sharing the rarefied air of her greatness. By appropriating and embellishing the aura of specialness in which she has enveloped him he can create a grandiose fantasy about himself to escape to.

The child of the Narcissist mother must analyze their sense of self and rebuild it without relying on their parent or parent substitute for approval.

This fantasy eventually crystalizes into a psychic structure we call the grandiose self. A new narcissist is born.

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Narcissism

Life With Narcissistic Parents

A narcissist tends to have transient social relationships since few wish to abide by her rules. She has quick enthusiasms, business associates but few friends. Her closest are other narcissists who keep a comfortable distance while exchanging gestures of mutual admiration. Neither makes emotional demands on the other.

Often, a narcissist's mate is the child of a narcissist, already indoctrinated to regard exploitation and disregard as love.

Unfortunately, one reason a narcissistic home can be so destructive is that narcissists tend to be very insular, having only a few close friends who are also narcissists, equally insensitive to the needs and feelings of children.

The narcissistic mother rules the emotional atmosphere of her home. She establishes an airtight reality from which her children have little chance of escaping.

Life with a narcissistic parent always means fitting in with his or her schema. Instead we need to find our unique opinion. We need perseverance to overcome the problem of self-unknowing.

Children of narcissists fear to know themselves, particularly when what they find within is anger and narcissistic rage.

Pills, booze, sex, chasing after financial success, lovers, you name it. Anything can be used as an addictive distraction that takes us away from what we feel. Because addiction keeps us from dealing with our problems (while creating others), we need progressively more of the drug as unattended problems increase and pull us down.

Rather than suffer, we increasingly turn to what makes us feel good and forget. We get further away from the knowledge of self that would set us free.

The narcissistic mother invites her child to mimic her grandiosity as a way out of the way out of the loveless reality into which he has been born and into a fantasy that he comes to believe in. Thus a new narcissist is born.

The new narcissist is prone to fits of narcissist rage when there is any perceived narcissistic injury to his self-esteem.

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Narcissism

Narcisstic Parents

They are controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, intolerant of others’ views and unaware of their children’s needs and of the effects of their behaviour on their children, and expect their children to see them as they wish to be seen.

May demand certain behaviour from their children because they see the children as extensions of themselves, and require their children to represent them in the world in ways that meet the parents’ emotional needs.

These traits will lead the parent to be very intrusive in some ways and entirely neglectful in others.

The children are punished if they do not respond adequately to the parent's needs. This punishment can include physical abuse, angry outbursts, blame, attempts to instil guilt, emotional withdrawal, and criticism.

Whatever the form the intent of the punishment is to enforce adherence to the parents’ narcissistic needs.

The narcissist’s family is forcibly conscripted into supporting roles.

A narcissist disagreed with tends to either attack or withdraw. Either response would threaten a child.

Not all children of narcissists are identical but most share from a pool of common traits.

Unfortunately, one reason a narcissistic home can be so destructive is that narcissists tend to be very insular, having only a few close friends who are also narcissists, equally insensitive to the needs and feelings of children. Others drawn to a narcissist are themselves children of narcissists, too mesmerized by the replay of their early childhood relationship to take an autonomous position with regard to her children.

The narcissist rules the emotional atmosphere of her home. She establishes an airtight reality from which her children have little chance of escaping.

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Narcissism

Narcissistic Rage

“Narcissistic rage” is a term coined in 1972 by Heinz Kohut. It occurs when the narcissist perceives he is being personally “attacked” by someone else. When his exaggerated sense of self-worth or sense of entitlement is challenged it often leads to narcissistic rage.

Narcissistic rage is a reaction to” narcissistic injury”, i.e., a perceived threat to their self-worth or self-esteem.

Narcissistic rage can be either explosive or passive-aggressive, although most people associate the explosive type with the term ‘narcissistic rage’. The explosive rages are just that- explosive, volatile outbursts which may be verbal, physical, or both.

A passive-aggressive rage is manifested as withdrawal into a lengthy, sulky silent treatment. Both are means to punish the offender. It is also not uncommon to find an explosive rage followed by passive-aggressive rage (the silent treatment).

There are several differences between anger and narcissistic rage. Anger is a natural reaction to a frustrating or annoying event. Anger occurs from a rational cause and dissipates after expressing it. The volcanic rage the narcissist feels is different from the anger that people usually feel; it is either irrational or severely blown out of proportion (for example, significant rage as a reaction to an insignificant remark or action).

“This is the catch-22,” writes Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. “To try to communicate emotions to a narcissist is like discussing atheism with a religious fundamentalist."

The root cause of rage in NPD, it would seem, is the combination of unmet needs in early developmental stages along with an invalidating environment and a highly sensitive temperament. Rage is a primitive emotionally immature child-like expression of thwarted needs and/or (actual or perceived) invalidation at best.

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