Boundaries

Boundaries

HOW TO SET THEM AND
HOW TO DEVELOP HEALTHY ONES.

Boundaries

Defined

Team Menber

A successful relationship is composed of two individuals each with a clearly defined sense of her or his own identity.

One feature of a healthy sense of self is the way we understand and work with our emotional boundaries.

Personal boundaries are the limits we set in relationships that allow us to protect our selves from being manipulated by, or enmeshed with, emotionally needy others. Such boundaries come from having a good sense of our own self-worth.

They make it possible for us to separate our own thoughts and feelings from those of others and to take responsibility for what we think, feel and do.

Boundaries are part of the biological imperative of maturation as we individuate and become adult people in our own right. We are, all of us unique, and boundaries allow us to rejoice in our own uniqueness.

Healthy intact boundaries are flexible, they allow us to get close to others when it is appropriate and to maintain our distance when we might be harmed by getting too close.

Good boundaries protect us from becoming engulfed in abusive relationships and pave the way to achieving true intimacy the flipside of independence, as we grow to interdependence the relationship of two mature individuals.

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Boundaries

Unhealthy

These are generally as a result of being raised in dysfunctional families where maturation and the individuation process was not properly understood nor the child respected as an individual.

In these types of families the unmet needs of parents or other adults are sometimes so overwhelming that the task of raising children is demoted to a secondary role, and dysfunction is the likely result.

What the children are likely to learn in a dysfunctional family is that boundaries don't matter, that indeed they, as individual human beings, don't matter except where they are useful for the emotional needs of others.

They would in all likelihood grow up with fluid boundaries, that cause them to swing between feelings of engulfment on the one hand and abandonment on the other inevitably leading to dysfunctional relationships later on in life.

They would have at best, a hazy sense of their own personal boundaries, not able to properly define where they end and the other begins.

Conversely, they may learn that rigid and inflexible boundaries might be the way to handle their relationships with other people.

They wall themselves off in their relationships as a way of protecting their emotional selves, and, as a consequence, will, in all likelihood find it difficult to form lasting close interpersonal bonds with others in adulthood as they are still trying to individuate from their parents.

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Team Menber

Boundaries

Rigid

Team Menber

Those whose boundaries are too rigid literally shut out everyone from their lives.

They appear aloof and distant, and do not talk about feelings or show emotions.

They exhibit extreme self-sufficiency, and do not ask for help. They do not allow anyone to get physically or emotionally close to them.

It is as if they live in a house surrounded by an immense wall with no gates. No one is allowed in.

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Boundaries

Loose

They may take on the feelings of others as their own, easily become emotionally overwhelmed, give too much, take too much, and be in constant need of reassurance.

They may expect others to read their minds, think they can read the minds of others, say "yes" when they want to say "no," and feel responsible for the feelings of others.

Those with loose boundaries often lead chaotic lives, full of drama, as if they lived in houses with no fences, gates, locks, or even doors.

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Team Menber

Boundaries

Healthy

Team Menber

Those with healthy boundaries are firm but flexible.

They give support and accept it.

They respect their feelings, needs, opinions, and rights, and those of others, but are clear about their separateness.

They are responsible for their own happiness and allow others to be responsible for their happiness.

They are assertive and respectful of the rights of others to be assertive. They are able to negotiate and compromise, have empathy for others, are able to make mistakes without damaging their self-esteem, and have an internal sense of personal identity.

Those with healthy boundaries are comfortable with themselves, and make others comfortable around them. They live in houses with fences and gates that allow access only to those who respect their boundaries.

Learning to set healthy boundaries can feel uncomfortable, even scary, because it may go against the grain of the survival skills we learned in childhood - particularly if our caretakers were physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive.

Narcissists can also oscillate between loose and rigid boundaries. Both styles are known to the narcissist. When a person withdraws from a narcissist the response can often be to flip into a more co-narcissistic style of relatedness.

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